By now you’re probably aware of my math ineptitude. Recently I heard a radio personality say, “If math is the Harlem Globetrotters, then I am the Washington Generals constantly getting confetti dumped on my head!” When it comes to math, I am riddled with confetti, but I think I’ve discovered the problem… There is a diagnosis for people who switch words around while reading - it’s called dyslexia. Likewise, I have discovered a diagnosis for those who struggle with math; it’s called, Developmental Arithmetic Disorder -D.A.D. for short. Ironically, I believe my own dear old D A D unknowingly compounded my problem by rapping me with a ruler for goofing off during one of our homework sessions!
Wow, little did I know that by revisiting 6th grade, I would uncover my deep dark issues about math, as well as a (non-professional) diagnosis to boot!
My son, (who believes the nice, sweet, man who spoils him - called Grandpa, could never have been so stern), reluctantly showed some sympathy by giving me tips on how to survive 6th grade math... He told me that now-a-days, the only way to survive - is by using a simple mnemonic phrase. For example, in order to remember how to solve certain mathematical equations, you would use the phrase; Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally, which stands for:
Please/Excuse – Parenthesis and Exponents
My Dear – Multiplication and Division
Aunt Sally- Addition and Subtraction
He said that if the math equations are not solved in a certain order (shown above), the answer will undoubtedly be incorrect.
I explained to my son, “I know you mean well, sweetheart, but this is not going to work.” (I have unsuccessfully tried these types of phrases while going to the grocery store.) For example, Ted Is A Man, equaling = Toothpaste, Ice, Apples and Meat. Unfortunately, when I get to the store, I always forget the phrase…even after I say it over, and over, on my drive there. Once I get to the store, something seems to happen to my brain - I think the handles on the carts must send some kind of electrical charge, scrambling my memory. Because it never fails, I’ll be standing in Marsh with a blank stare thinking “Now who is the man?” or “Ted is what…now?” As soon as I get my hands off the electro-charged cart, put the groceries in my car (sans something), drive home, and get in the house, it hits me- “Ted Is A Man, - Shoot I forgot the meat, which is the main ingredient for dinner!”
It is at that moment I realized why teenagers think parents are stupid and clueless. I am sure my son will feel the same way during his teenage years and my grocery store story did not help my cause. If there are any children reading this blog, parents aren’t stupid, just impaired a little, you will get there one day…promise!
Anyway, where was I…oh yeah math? Since I have come to the realization that I am a D.A.D. sufferer, I think I will start a support group, with my fellow 6th graders because there must be others afflicted. I asked my son if he would pass out flyers in the lunch room about my support group I got no response, just another glare (this time icy) as he walked out of the room.
Oh well, I will suffer alone, like I already had been. I will be strong, and trudge through math this year the best way I can, my way- Counting my fingers and toes…minus the mnemonic phrases…Stay Tuned
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